Electric Fences

[CrypticRacer13]

Electric fences:

If you have ever used an electric fence, or know someone who has one you will like this...

We have the standard 6ft fence in the backyard, and a few months ago I heard about burglaries in the neighborhood.
To make sure this wouldn't be a problem for me, I went to tractor supply and got the biggest cattle charger they had...made for 26 mi. of fence.
I used an 8ft ground rod and drove it in 7.5ft.
The ground rod is key...with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6hp big wheel push mower.
The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact I had unplugged it earlier. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it and throw it out of the way for mowing.
It seems as though I didn't unplug the charger after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the mower running with my right hand on the pushbar, and the 1.7 gigawatt fence in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery, and has a picture of an upside down cow, on fire, on the cover of the charger.
Time stood still.
The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front of my body. My ears are curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs and stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with that engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of **** lawnmower were fighting over who would have control of my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot poop, pee, and vomit at the same time...I am proof that you can.
Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 times in a half second. It was a matrix kind of bowel movement where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM, you just emptied yourself in your pants.
It seemed like they were so close together, it was like exhaust pulses from a bigblock Chevy at 8 grand.
At this point I'm about 30 min (in reality about 5 seconds probably) into holding the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go of it.
I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences, but Dad always had those POS chargers that were like 9 volts, and they just kinda tickled.
This one I could not let go of. The 8ft ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp layer of the Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil.
I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it until the lawnmower runs out of gas....Damn I think, as I remember I just filled up the tank too.
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough, and it has settled into a loping pattern like a big lawnmower race cam was in it.
I was covered in poop, pee, and vomit, and I'm thinking God just let me die...pleaaassseeee, just let me die.
But noooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cammed EFI engine waiting for the driver to command acceleration from it.
So there I am in the middle of my yard, its July..104* 80% humidity, and I'm begging God to kill me....he did not take me this day.
He left me there covered in my own poop, pee, and vomit to writhe in the misery I had created.
I honestly don't remember letting loose of the wire, but I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned, stinking, and there were two dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I had finally let go of the wire. I don't remember.

Upon waking from my electrically induced coma, I realized a few things:

1. Three of my fillings have melted.
2. I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet from curling, and my right butt cheek is sore..not the left, just the right.
3. Poop, pee, and vomit together do not smell as bad as you would think.
4. My left eye will not open.
5. My right eye will not close.
6.The lawnmower runs like a sombitch now. Seriously I think our little session cleaned out some carbon deposits or something, because now it is better than new.
7. My nuts are smaller than they were, but my sack is hanging 10" lower.
8. I can turn on the tv in the game room by farting while thinking of a channel number.

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciated the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my securtity system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check the charger before I mow.