Joke for the day

[crazyhorse]

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem .
While they were there, the wife passed away .
The undertaker told the husband,
"You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150
or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000 .
The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home .
The undertaker asked him,
"why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home
when you could have a beautiful burial here,
and it would only cost $150????
"The husband replied,
"Long ago, a man died here, was buried here,
and three days later, rose from the dead .

I just can’t take that chance!"

[jimmy828]

[sargentrs]

Good one!

[wildcard]

I know the feeling.

[crazyhorse]

Marriage is like a deck of cards.

In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond.

By the end you wish you had a club and a spade.

[crazyhorse]

This is not exactly a joke BUT on this cold, rainy , winter night, I hope it brings a smile to your face.

http://wixx.com/blogs/murphys-blog/125/ ... low-dance/

[crazyhorse]

A young woman had been taking golf lessons all week long.
She'd just begun her first game of golf when she suffered a bee sting.
Her pain was so intense, she couldn't continue her game.
She decided to go back to the clubhouse and get some medical attention.
Her golf Pro saw her enter the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back so soon?" What's wrong?"
"I was stung by a bee," she answered.
"Where? he asked.
"Between the first and second holes,"she replied.

He nodded his head knowingly and said,



"Then your stance is to wide."

[crazyhorse]

An old preacher was dying.
He sent a message for his doctor and his lawyer, who were both church members, to come to his home.
When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom.
As they entered the room the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit, one on each side of his bed.
The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.
For a time, no one said anything.
Both the doctor and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments.
They were also puzzled since the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them.
They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness and avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats.

Finally, the doctor said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?"
The old preacher mustered up his strength, then said weakly,

"Jesus died between two thieves; and that's how I want to go."

[crazyhorse]

A guy stopped at a local gas station, and after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink.
He stood by his car to drink his coke and watched a couple of men working along the road side.
One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on.
The other man came along behind him and filled in the hole.
While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the hole.
The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down the road.

"I can't stand this," said the man and heads down the road toward the men.
"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men.

"Can you tell me what's going on here with all this digging and refilling?"

"Well, we work for the US Forest Service and we're just doing our job," one of the men said.

"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?"

"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow.
"Normally there's three of us: Me, Elmer and Leroy.
I dig the hole, Elmer sticks in the tree, and Leroy here puts the dirt back.
You see with the government sequestering, they are not buying any more trees

so Elmer's job's been cut...

so now it's just me an' Leroy.

[crazyhorse]

On our last anniversary, my mother -in-law asked
"What's it feel like to be happily married for 25 years?"

I told her, "ask your daughter,

she's the one that's happy"

[crazyhorse]

At the end of his sermon the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation wanted to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood up and walked to the podium.
She said, "I have a praise.
Two months ago, my husband, Phil, was in a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.
The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

A muffled gasp arose from the men in the congregation as the thought of the pain poor Phil must have experienced sank in.

"Phil was hurt so badly that he couldn't even hold me or the kids," Suzie continued.
"Every movement caused terrible pain.
We prayed when his doctors performed the delicate operation required to repair the extensive damage.
Luckily they were able to piece the crushed and broken remnants of Phil's scrotum together and wrap it in wire to hold everything in place."

Again, the male half of the congregation squirmed uncomfortably, cringing at the thought of what Phil went through.

"Today," Suzie announced in a quivering voice, "Thanks to the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital.
His doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

A great sigh of relief arose from the pews.
The shaken pastor stood and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He looked around the congregation and said, "I'm Phil."
The entire assembly held its collective breath.

"I just want to tell my wife that the word is



sternum."

[sargentrs]

[390bump]

An old man was in bed dying. He smelt his favorite thing in the whole world - these wonderful cookies that his wife would bake. With the last of his strength, he tumbled out of bed and crawled down the stairs into the [censored]. He saw the rack of cookies cooling on the table so he reached up with one hand to grab the edge of the table to hoist himself and with the other he reached out to grab one of the cookies. Then he heard a loud WHACK and his hand hurt like hell and he heard his wife yelling at him with a spatula in her hand "STAY OUTTA THOSE! THEY'RE FOR THE WAKE!!!"

[crazyhorse]

One day, three old cajuns were sitting on a bench, enjoying the sun,
when the subject of "What is the most remarkable and amazing thing" came up.

Leblanc piped up and said that it had to be an airplane.
When asked why, he said "You can get on one of them things in Baton Rooooge
and in 2 hours, you can be drinkin coffee in New York City.

Thibodaux said, "No, no,no, it has to be television.
You can turn it on and see news as it happens on the other side of the world".

Boudraux laughed and said "You are both wrong.
It has to be a thermos bottle, I gauronteee".
Splain yoself his friends said.
Boudraux said, "Well, if you put something cold in it, it keeps it cold
and if you put something hot in it, it keeps it hot.

What's so amazing about that, they asked.

Boudraux looked at them and said.





.........."how do it know?"

[chad67]

Three cowboys are winding down at the end of a hard day-building a fire, fixing some vittles, talking-when they hear the sound of Indian drums getting louder and louder. One cowboy says to the other, "I don't like the sound of those drums!" An Indian pops out of a bush about 10 feet from their camp and says "It OK, him not our regular drummer!"